My Miscarriage Story
My Miscarriage Story
I always knew in my heart that I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to have children of my to love and raise. As my husband once told me, they are our legacy in this world. Our foot print that we once existed. Pregnancy and motherhood will be one of my greatest blessing in life. I tried to cherish every moment of my first pregnancy and take care of myself to ensue the little life inside me was growing healthy. I never once took for granted this beautiful blessing that some moms are not able to have.
I never thought that miscarriage would be a part of my journey as a mother. The idea of miscarriage deeply scared me during my first pregnancy. I was cautiously excited and hoped that everything would be ok with my pregnancy. I did everything that I could to ensure that I had a healthy pregnancy. At the end of my third trimester, I became as a high risk pregnancy but I knew that everything was going to fine. Thankful, my daughter was born healthy.
As soon as my daughter turned 2, my husband and I knew that we wanted to start growing our family and have another baby. After two months of trying, we got that positive sign and we were over the moon. I remember my husband calling me and telling me that he was already making plans and was going to work extra hours to save up for the baby. I was getting excited about being pregnant again. I remember thinking that this time I was not going to be scared about anything and that I was going to enjoy my pregnancy to the fullest.
A few days earlier we were elated with the idea of another baby but those moments were suddenly crushed. I went to my daughter and husband and just fell to my knees and started crying. I knew it was a miscarriage. I told my husband what was happening and he got a blank stare in his eyes of disbelief. Somehow my two year old daughter just hugged me without knowing what was happening. After a few seconds, my husband said that everything was going to be okay and that we’ll try again. Going through the miscarriage in the leading days was hard.
What does a miscarriage feel like? It’s emotionally and physically painful. Your body automatically knows what to do to heal itself but I feel like I had no time to grief. I still had to take care of my daughter and life continues to go on. There are nights I still cry and think if there was something I could have done differently. There are many “maybes” that I could have done differently but even then, the outcome might have been the same.
This was such a hard post to write about. It is just something that we do not talk about as Latinas. We do not talk about it so we are not reminded of the pain. We dismiss it so we can act like it never happened. But as mama Latinas we need to create those spaces where it is okay to talk about miscarriage, find healing, and learn from other’s experiences. Even now, I have not had the courage to tell my mom. I do not wait it to be painful. I have told my sisters and they have been supportive and encouraging.
I do not want to be defined by it but I do want to grow stronger from this experience. There is a rainbow amid this darkness. I know that my little rainbow of hope and joy is on its way. It’s just in God’s perfect timing. I cried for this little soul that I lost but I know that God has a plan for my life. I have tears in my eyes as I write this because I wanted this baby with all my heart. I wanted to give my daughter a sibling to love and make memories with, to have a beautiful childhood together. It’s hard right now but I know that one day I will hold another baby in my arms again. I will see my children playing with together and I know my daughter will be the best big sister I know that she will be. Until then, I will pray, I will be kinder to myself, I will do more self care, and I will become stronger. I will not be consumed by the fear of it. God’s timing is perfect and in his infinite glory, he knows when it’s the right time. He will grant me the blessing of motherhood and pregnancy again at his perfect timing.